The Permanent Tourists

We expected the Amish.
We expected the hex signs.
We even expected shoofly pie.

But, we were unprepared for the strange new customs and phrases we encountered in our new homeland.

We became permanant tourists of Lancaster County—tourists who decided living here would be a good thing—in 1993. At first my husband was reluctant to relocate. I won him over with promises of weekly doses of Turkey Hill Ice Cream and Pepperidge Farms cookies. Which is why he now suffers from diabetes, but I digress...

The first thing we noticed were the unique way locals use familiar phrases. Like when you hear someone say, "I'm going to park the car, awhile." It only takes me 15-20 seconds to park my car, but Lancastrians seem to be allowing for more time.

Similarly, when folks tell you they are "going away tomorrow" they are usually not heading to Barbados. It is more likely that they are going to the grocery store or to do errands.

And wait until someone asks about your "wacation." It is common to hear Vs and Ws interchanged at will.

There are the regional names — Burkholder, Buckwalter, Kleinfelter, Showalter. I believe there was a contest long ago to see who could use the most letters in their last name, with extra points for using a w. And if you happen to be looking for a person with the last name of Martin, forget using the phone book as the Martin section is 50 pages.

This land is famous for its cuisine, but no one told us about the bratwurst, and spaetzel & (root) beer, oh my! And will someone please explain pig stomach to me?

Yes, if you plan to move here, there are things you should be warned about. Like dominos. If you are invited to play a round of dominos, first ask yourself how much disposable time you have. A good game of Chicken Foot can take a week.

What you can expect:

Expect to become familiar with the subtle difference between the smells of cow, pig, goat and chicken manure. Expect someone to try to tug your earlobes for no apparent reason on your birthday. Expect to see someone eat butter and jelly on untoasted bread and not think it's weird. Expect that within your new circle of friends, someone will always want to tell you about the best place to buy sweet corn. And, expect that same person to tell you over and over again how lucky you are to live here.

They're absolutely right!

An American Responds to "25 Signs You Might Be Canadian"

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
I don’t condone the accommodation of cows with alternative lifestyles.

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
OK, ewwww. Cheese curds and gravy on fries? Don’t let the folks from Idaho find out or they’ll come take all their potatoes back so you can’t abuse them further. You might be better off eating the serviette... or maybe the chesterfield...

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
I’m with you there. (Maybe I am somewhat Canadian)

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.They call it pop in the Midwest too. And for some odd reason in Tennessee. Both names are silly. I think we should call all carbonated beverages “Coke,” furthering the Coca-Cola company’s plan for world domination.

5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.
Some kind of poor hockey etiquette I’d imagine.

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
I would love to go to Cuba, but it’s cheap to go to Canada too. And since all the Canadians are already in Cuba… decisions, decisions.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
I think that’s stupid too.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
I don’t see how they can ever call them free-ways, when it costs nearly $8 to get from one side of Pennsylvania to the other. Plus, they make you pay $3 to leave New Jersey (but it’s worth it).

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
I can see that you'd need them with all those double taxes. Get back to me when you get some green stamps and Coca-Cola reward points....

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
Something like Captain Kangaroo? Or is this about beer again…

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
That’s funny, we get excited whenenver Canadians say anything quasi-nice abooot America (which is pretty much never…).

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.
I do enjoy playing the “Guess which celebrities are Canadian” game. But, if you’re going to brag, then you need to change your list.I’ll give you Rush, Neil Young, The Guess Who, Joni Mitchell, Bare Naked Ladies and BTO. But Celine Dion, k d lang, Corey Hart, and Alanis Morisette should go back home, or perhaps to the Yukon. BTW, Peter Jennings LOVED us.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
I suppose they’ll have to call it North American Airlines. Maybe put an eagle guzzling maple syrup on the side of the planes.

14. You know what a touque is.
Aren’t they those doofy hats your mom always made you wear, no matter how much you protested? Yeah, only skiers wear them here.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Now that’s just funny. I envision homage to these in a pictorial coffee table book.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"
And this matters to whom? You may want to check the tightness of zee underpants.

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
It’s still the same amount of violence as you’d find in an American newspaper.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
OK, remind me why living in Canada is better…

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
In Florida, my Grandfather turns on the heat when it gets down to 80 degrees. Don’t be hatin’.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
I don’t think we have Labatt Blue commercials. In fact, I've seen any beer commercials recently. But then I don’t watch hockey.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew- wan)
Saskatoon is more fun to say.

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
See #20.

23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
See #16.

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"
It’s also funnier when you hear it from a native Italian who has lived in Canada way too long. Belissimo, eh?

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe )
I think you should send this to your Canadian friends now.

Top 10 Reasons To Be Amish

10. Wife never wears the “pants” in your family.

9. Everything goes with black.

8. You can be a facial hair trendsetter.

7. No pesky electric bills.

6. Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are scared you will convert them.

5. If you have a bad hair day, no one will know.

4. Eat buckets of bacon fat, and still look emaciated.

3. Cow poo smells even better when it’s in your own back yard.

2. Guaranteed to win every “Who has the longest last name contest”

1. Job security – no one else wants to be Amish.

When bad things happen to good SIMs (tm)

(first published on www.theooze.com, May 2004)
by Diana Baldwin

I named them, built them a house, bought their furniture, ordered pizza and sent them off to work. I introduced them to the neighbors, who they promptly offended. I told them when to clean up, picked out their clothes, and made sure they got enough rest.

I guess playing The SIMs is a little like "playing God" but I hadn't really thought about it. The simulation of family life situations game had become wildly popular and I wanted to know why.My SIM family, William Montgomery and Madison Frances Mars started out with $20,000 so I bought them the cheap house.

They needed rest so I got them a double bed, a sofa and a recliner. Since William worked at night as a security guard, he often napped on the couch.I put in a refrigerator so they wouldn't get too hungry and a TV so they wouldn't be too bored. When the neighbors came by, I ordered a pizza which they decided belonged on the front lawn. They also left food on the kitchen floor – probably because I forgot to buy a proper table.

The game’s directions said that players should make sure that all of their SIMs needs were met, so that they would behave more predictably. They would sometimes ignore your instructions when they grew tired or hungry. I thought they might be tired of pizza, chips and cold food, so I bought them a stove. This started big trouble in SIM-land.

Though I hadn't seem them use the stove, it had somehow caught fire. They had a fire extinguisher, so I told them to put the fire out, and to their credit, they certainly tried. In fact, they tried, and tried, even after I realized the fire was too big and told them to get out of the house. I even started yelling out loud for them to get out. Madison died in the fire. I couldn't save her.

My cousin has had similar trials with his SIMS. He lost one in a swimming pool when he accidentally deleted the pool ladder. (Well, he claimed it was accidental, but he is 13 and lacks credibility.) Another time they became trapped in their house with a burglar, when he deleted all the doors. I have since read articles detailing similar SIM abuse.

In contemplating Madison’s shocking demise, I remembered how I've heard people wonder how God can "let bad things happen to good people." I've wondered about divine justice myself.

Perhaps God doesn't want us to make bad choices, but we fail to hear him. What if the whole time we're trying to put our proverbial “fire” out, and save all our stuff, God is shouting "get out of the house!" Perhaps we even ignore him.

There is good news for William and Madison. I didn't save the game when Madison perished. I get to start their lives over, and this time, put in a phone so they can call the fire department. I will even get them a kitchen table so they can be tidier. They will probably still insult the neighbors though.

With my own real life, I don't get to start over as easily. Many decisions like buying a home and getting married are made. But I can listen more closely to God from this point forward. If God says, "I know the smoke alarms didn't go off, but there's a fire downstairs and you need to get out!" I can do that. I can leave the house knowing that God was looking out for me the whole time. He built the firehouse less than a block away.